Question

Maybe I should just give up. It’s like a huge mountain I cannot climb (and I haven’t even climbed a mountain before). I know with You it’s possible, but what if Your purpose is not for me to pass the CA bar?

“As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.“
Isaiah 55:10-11

Indescribable

Was watching a DVD that Christine’s friend lent us, Louie Giglio’s Indescribable. 

One of the things that impacted me was how HUGE God is and how tiny we are. 

The following picture used in the DVD presentation is a photo shown of earth taken by NASA as the voyager left the earth. The earth is just a speck of dust. 

“As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:9

 

Quotes (paraphrased and verbatim) for 2012

I am thankful to God for His revelations at the start of the year, received through times of prayer and reading in solitude. At first it seemed that there were 3 main themes, 2 from reading, and 1 from prayer: 1. Growth/Adulthood, 2. Calling and 3. Breakthrough.

Upon further reflection, the themes are intertwined and related. Some quotes/principles that are worth writing down…

Signs of failure to properly reach adulthood:

• Fear of failure
• Inordinate need for permission
• “You Can’t do that” syndrome – pessimistic about trying new things
• Feelings of inferiority
• Competitiveness – “I must win in order not to be inferior to anyone”
• Repeatedly give power away in relationships – give power to another person and obey him/her as a parent.
• If someone thinks differently, they are wrong; treating other’s differences in terms of right and wrong
• Black-and-white thinking
• Looking down on everybody else – failing to recognize that I am a sinner
• Anxiety attacks – reasons include: fear of disapproval from a parental conscience, or fear of being equal with a “father figure” (e.g. at work)
• Inihibition – don’t feel free to enjoy life or their feelings, as a legalist bound up with guilt
• Superiority complex
• Depression: Criticized by internal parent as “bad me”
• Dependency – always depending on others to make decisions for them, indicating lack of self-respect
• Perception that someone in authority is perfect

Distorted thinking:

• i must please others to be liked
• I am bad if i disagree
• i need someone else to manage my life. I am not capable enough

How to learn to be a mature adult:

• Practice disagreeing. e.g. “I see your point, but I look at it differently”
• Re-evaluate our ‘inherited beliefs’ – doing what others expect you to do seems like what infants do
• Make your own decisions – you are an adult, think and act for yourself; who cares if someone else disagrees with your purchase? it’s between you and God
• View parents and other authority figures realistically
• Practise being equal with parents
• Give yourself permission to fail. value PROCESS rather than result
• Adults discipline themselves
• Submit out of FREEDOM, not compliance
• Appreciate the difference in others – people who see others as not as good are still trying to be the ‘better child’

Henry Cloud, Changes that Heal

• A husband is called to love his wife as Christ loved the church – he is to give himself for her so that she can flourish

• Excellence is judged by whether we did our best. If we have ten talents we will be judged as one having ten talents.

• Suffering and careerism. The great danger of thinking only in terms of career is not only that we might miss our vocation but that we might fail to appreciate the significance of suffering. When we thinkin in terms of career, we can be inclined to assume that our life and our work will represent a single, rising curve as we move up the ranks. We so easily get caught thinking that we do what we are doing today only because it will position us for the next slot we hope to fill…
• Emotional Development and Resilience. The capacity to handle difficulty, suffering, disappointment and setbacks is an essential element of long-term vocational development. How we handle a major setback, failure or loss may be one of the most – if not the most-critical factors in our life-long vocational effectiveness … Fundamentally, emotional maturity and reslience are at stake.
• The issue is not so much difficulty itself as it is our capacity to be people of heart: able to respond emotionally, from the center of our being.

• For our ultimate goal is not so much to accomplish great things, as it is to be women and men who know, love and serve Jesus. Our final concern is not career or ministry or reputation but whether through the course of our lives we grow in the saving grace of Christ, living and working in such a way that others might know him.  

Gordon T. Smith, Courage and Calling

Calling has a component of mystery, and God is doing the calling (finding our calling is like a mouse looking for a cat)

Os Guinness, The Calling (referring to C.S. Lewis)

The healthy adult can tell the difference between the present conflict with a partner and a restimulation of past unfinished business 

David Richo, How to be an adult

I realised it was not the world and other people who were limited in their intellect, in their determination, in their resourcefulness; it was me and my world views which were limited. I also know full well that if I had stayed in Singapore, in my cushy job, comfortable in my Bukit Timah home, I would have remained the same – self-sufficient. I had always believed that if I put my mind to it, I could achieve anything. For example, I used to look at sick people and root: ‘Fight with all your willpower, and you will recover.’ And when they did not, I’d think they had failed themselves. I, like Ms Leong, believed ‘mental dexterity equated strength of character and virtue’.

But those years in China taught me terrible lessons on loneliness. I learnt that money (an expatriate pay package) and brains (suitcases of books) did not make me happier than my maid who cycled home to her family every night in minus 20 deg C on icy roads to a dinner of rice and vegetables. The past few years, I have known devastating loss and grief so deep I woke up in the morning and wondered how the sun could still shine and people could go on with their lives.

And so perhaps I have learnt the humility I lacked. Humility about how small I am in the whole schema of things. About how helpless I truly stand, with my intellect in my hands, with my million-dollar roof over my head. To remember, in the darkest valleys of my journey, it was not Ayn Rand or other Booker list authors who lifted me, but the phone calls, the kindness of strangers, that made each day a little less bleak.

And perhaps finally, to really see other people, and understand – not deflect, nor reflect their anger and viewpoints, but see their shyness, pain, struggles, joys. Just because I was ‘fortunate enough’ to have trawled the bottom levels. And perhaps that is the antidote to the oft unwitting elitism so many of us carry with us.

Diary of a Reformed Elitist, appearing as letter in Today newspaper in Singapore

Delighting in the Lord

Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart (Psalm 37:4)

It won’t be appropriate not to give thanks to God for my friends, including my roommate who has been a great source of blessing and love to me. I get a ride from him to downtown every morning, and just tonight he made dinner for us.

I think about my friends in LA, especially from the community at UPC, and i realize that i have a lot of loving and nice people around me. Even random people I met, like M, C, P and H, are now my friends, and i am a grateful recipient of their love

I think about my friends and family back in Singapore. My buddies, A & XT, my LSBC friends, my mentors, my parents and brother.

God has poured his love into me through these people.

Thank you Lord, I am truly delighting in your goodness. Amen.

down in the dumps

I’m feeling really down in the dumps today, both physically and emotionally.

Physically, because i’m down with a flu, that kinda makes me feel lethargic and anti-social.

Emotionally, well, because I just found out i failed the bar exams … again. And worried about outcome of a particular visa application, relatively meagre finances (living paycheck to paycheck), lack of mobility (no vehicle and vehicle license in CA), homesickness.

The following psalm somehow spoke to my situation

Psalm 77

¹ I cried out to God for help;
I cried out to God to hear me.
² When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
at night I stretched out untiring hands,
and I would not be comforted.

³ I remembered you, God, and I groaned;
I meditated, and my spirit grew faint.^[b]
4 You kept my eyes from closing;
I was too troubled to speak.
⁵ I thought about the former days,
the years of long ago;
⁶ I remembered my songs in the night.
My heart meditated and my spirit asked:

⁷ “Will the Lord reject forever?
Will he never show his favor again?
⁸ Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
Has his promise failed for all time?
⁹ Has God forgotten to be merciful?
Has he in anger withheld his compassion?”

¹⁰ Then I thought, “To this I will appeal:
the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand.
¹¹ I will remember the deeds of the LORD;
yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
¹² I will consider all your works
and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”

¹³ Your ways, God, are holy.
What god is as great as our God?
¹⁴ You are the God who performs miracles;
you display your power among the peoples.
¹⁵ With your mighty arm you redeemed your people,
the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.

¹⁶ The waters saw you, God,
the waters saw you and writhed;
the very depths were convulsed.
¹⁷ The clouds poured down water,
the heavens resounded with thunder;
your arrows flashed back and forth.
¹⁸ Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind,
your lightning lit up the world;
the earth trembled and quaked.
¹⁹ Your path led through the sea,
your way through the mighty waters,
though your footprints were not seen.

²⁰ You led your people like a flock
by the hand of Moses and Aaron.

Oh God, in my heartache and depression, please break through with Your love. My heart is deeply troubled, and i have many anxieties, please show your favor … I will meditate on all YOUR works and YOUR mighty deeds. Nothing is impossible for You. Restore me Lord, and through this process of depression refine me! Amen

Thomas Merton’s prayer for discernment

In the search to do God’s will, came across the following prayer by Thomas Merton quoted during today’s sermon which helped me express my heart’s cry:

O Lord God,
I have no idea where I am going,
I do not see the road ahead of me,
I cannot know for certain where it will end.

Nor do I really know myself,
And the fact that I think
I am following Your will
Does not mean that I am actually doing so.

But I believe
That the desire to please You
Does in fact please You.
And I hope I have that desire
In all that I am doing.

I hope that I will never do anything
Apart from that desire to please You.
And I know that if I do this
You will lead me by the right road,
Though I may know nothing about it.

Therefore I will trust You always
Though I may seem to be lost
And in the shadow of death.
I will not fear,
For You are ever with me,
And You will never leave me
To make my journey alone.

Source: Thomas Merton, Pax Christi, Benet Press, Erie, PA.

stepping stones

Today at church we had Pastor Jean Darnall as our guest speaker. She’s a preeminent and spiritually gifted prophetess and I was really looking forward to hear what God wanted to speak to us through her.

Some beautifully phrased words of wisdom that she shared that prompted me to view things differently and/or to take action: -

• The bible contains the thoughts of God
• Answering the call of God. God gives us a choice. Although His arm is not too short to save (Isaiah 59:1), he is appalled that there was no one to intervene (Isaiah 59:16)
• Intercessors: not just prayer (although this is crucial), but they could be judges, lawyers, etc.
• People who intervene would become a prey for evil (Isaiah 59:15), but the Spirit WILL “like a flood will come in to raise the standard” against Satan.
• Micah 6:8 What does the Lord require? Justice, Mercy, Humility
• Passion: She prayed for us that God will give us the passion to finish what we started for the Glory of God – unfinished song, poetry, etc. (beautifully phrased)

And I felt God wanted me to have Pastor Jean pray for me and Christine as a couple. And while we reached her (there was a long line each person waiting for an opportunity to be prayed), she motioned for me to join Christine to be prayed for (i asked christine to go ahead because it seemed that everyone before us were being prayed for individually) and i figured i should memorialize some main things she prayed for us (i sense that this is a significant spiritual milestone):

• She prayed that our spiritual gifts would be melded together (beautiful! I was sharing with Christine that it seems that God is already using each of us to ‘complete the pieces’ with the other. Like how when we started to pray together: God placed in Christine’s heart the need to specifically dedicate our relationship to God whilst at the same time He placed in my heart the desire to have a regular couple prayer time to pray for us and for others; two pieces fitting together)
• That we won’t be in separate or even parallel ministries but that we would serve in ONE ministry
• She sensed that the stepping stones of faith are now further apart, such that we need to take a bigger step of faith (i love this!). She prayed specifically for faith and strength for both of us.
• God may be taking us on a direction that’s different from what we originally envisaged/expect.

Ok, i’m just writing this down because i suspect when we look back to this day,  we can see how God is fulfilling what He was speaking to us through Pastor Jean’s prayer.

To be continued …

 

 

faith challenge

With uncertainties and potential worries (some of which i mentioned in my previous post) over many things outside my control, God has been challenging me to put my faith in Him.

“The righteous shall live by faith” Romans 1:17

“Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.” Hebrews 11:1

And actually the bible is full of stories of faith. Other than the faith accounts in Hebrews 11, there are many people of God in the bible who were challenged to put their faith in God. I can think of Noah, who had to build the huge ark without any physical evidence of impending flood; Zechariah and Elizabeth when they were told that they were going to have a baby, John the Baptist, way past child-bearing age (i also contributed a devotional on my church’s website on the account of Zechariah and Elizabeth here), just to name 2 examples that I encountered in my reading lately .

And then, today, i was reading the following excerpt from Oswald Chambers:

It is the will of God that human beings should get into a right-standing relationship with Him, and His covenants are designed for this purpose. Why doesn’t God save me? He has accomplished and provided for my salvation, but I have not yet entered into a relationship with Him. Why doesn’t God do everything we ask? He has done it. The point is— will I step into that covenant relationship? All the great blessings of God are finished and complete, but they are not mine until I enter into a relationship with Him on the basis of His covenant.

Waiting for God to act is fleshly unbelief. It means that I have no faith in Him. I wait for Him to do something in me so I may trust in that. But God won’t do it, because that is not the basis of the God-and-man relationship. Man must go beyond the physical body and feelings in his covenant with God, just as God goes beyond Himself in reaching out with His covenant to man. It is a question of faith in God–a very rare thing. We only have faith in our feelings. I don’t believe God until He puts something tangible in my hand, so that I know I have it. Then I say, “Now I believe.” There is no faith exhibited in that. God says, “Look to Me, and be saved . . .” (Isaiah 45:22).

When I have really transacted business with God on the basis of His covenant, letting everything else go, there is no sense of personal achievement— no human ingredient in it at all. Instead, there is a complete overwhelming sense of being brought into union with God, and my life is transformed and radiates peace and joy.

(utmost.org, entry dated December 6, 2010)

overwhelmed?

The past few day have been making me feel a little overwhelmed (negatively). having to take the bar exam again, pressure (and tantrums) from work, inefficient processing (or total lack thereof) of basic administrative issues from federal/state bodies, apparently mounting needs to be met by friends…etc.

Felt God speak to me the following, which strengthened me for the day:

Romans 8

²⁶ In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. ²⁷ And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.

²⁸ And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who^[i] have been called according to his purpose. ²⁹ For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. ³⁰ And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

³¹ What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? ³² He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? ³³ Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. ³⁴ Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. ³⁵ Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? ³⁶ As it is written:

“For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”

³⁷ No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. ³⁸ For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹ neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

about love and stuff

About Love

The Theme of Love has been emanating pretty strongly from God lately in my life:

Today I had the privilege of leading worship at the Thanksgiving Seminar for our church’s undergraduate ministry, AGAPE Christian Fellowship. Dovetailing from my previous post, “a Warrior’s Heart”, about the letting go of bitterness, I received confirmation from God during the thanksgiving seminar that I need to let go of my bitterness in order for God’s Holy Spirit to fill me, to fully receive and exercise His spiritual gifts.

Then, tying in with the theme of love and supplementing my thoughts on 1 Cor 13 love in that previous post, Pastor Tim (the guest speaker) helped us understand the context behind 1 Cor 13 better: God was primarily not referring to weddings and/or romantic love (even though it is a commonly used passage, and of course appropriate in that setting). Instead, love is the greatest spiritual gift (!):

1 Corinthians 12

⁴ There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit distributes them. ⁵ There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. ⁶ There are different kinds of working, but in all of them and in everyone it is the same God at work.

⁷ Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good. ⁸ To one there is given through the Spirit a message of wisdom, to another a message of knowledge by means of the same Spirit, ⁹ to another faith by the same Spirit, to another gifts of healing by that one Spirit, ¹⁰ to another miraculous powers, to another prophecy, to another distinguishing between spirits, to another speaking in different kinds of tongues,^[a] and to still another the interpretation of tongues.^{[b] 11} All these are the work of one and the same Spirit, and he distributes them to each one, just as he determines.

…

²⁷ Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it. ²⁸ And God has placed in the church first of all apostles, second prophets, third teachers, then miracles, then gifts of healing, of helping, of guidance, and of different kinds of tongues. ²⁹ Are all apostles? Are all prophets? Are all teachers? Do all work miracles? ³⁰ Do all have gifts of healing? Do all speak in tongues^[d]? Do all interpret? ³¹ Now eagerly desire the greater gifts. And yet I will show you the most excellent way.

1 Corinthians 13

¹ If I speak in the tongues^[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ² If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,^[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

I LOVE IT WHEN THINGS ARE READ IN CONTEXT! It’s so paradigm-shattering for me to see 1 Cor 13 in context!! LOVE is the GREATEST GIFT we can offer!! Pastor Tim offered a really powerful example, among many other great examples: he tells of this encounter where a pastor performed deliverance ministry on a demon-possessed person by HUGGING that person in love!!! which released that person. Trust me, this is the first time i’m hearing of such an ‘exorcism’.

The theme of love has been emanating so strongly lately. Christine was sharing with me from her letter 1 John 4:9-16 (“This is how God showed His love among us: He sent His one and Only Son into the world that we might live through Him… Dear friends: since God loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and His love is made complete in us”) during the same time when I started reading CS Lewis’ “The 4 Loves”.

About stuff

So, a few things God spoke to me today (crikey, by the time i publish this post it will be past midnight, so it will be ‘yesterday’ by the time this goes up on my blog):

Submission

Trust

Do you trust that I want the best for you?

Molding

In the same vein, the following song really spoke to me today:

The Potter’s Hand

Beautiful Lord, Wonderful savior
I know for sure all of my days are held in your hands
Crafted into your perfect plans
You gently called me into your presence
Guiding me by Your Holy Spirit
Teach me dear Lord to live all of my life
Through your eyes

I’m captured by your holy calling
Set me apart. I know you’re drawing me to yourself
lead me, Lord. I pray

Chorus:

Take me, mold me, use me, fill me
I give my life to the potter’s hand
Call me, guide me, lead me, walk beside me
I give my life to the potter’s hand